Sigh…here it goes again, folks. A person paying me a supposed compliment by telling me how well I can speak:
Wow, you do so well with your voice! I can understand everything you say quite clearly!
I wonder what these people would say if they knew that I don’t always consider this such a compliment.
The truth of the matter is…sometimes being able to speak and lipread is more of a curse than it is a blessing.
Don’t get me wrong – I realize that my oral skills have opened doors for me and given me opportunities that perhaps I wouldn’t have had otherwise. But they have also been a royal pain in the arse, and have led to a lot of misconceptions, misunderstandings, and miscommunication.
Rather than try and explain it all to you, I ask that you watch this video created by a fellow Deaf Professional who like myself grew up oral and also has good speech and lipreading skills. For those of you who are “signing impaired,” be sure to click the red CC button in the lower right-hand corner to turn on the captions.
Note: You may need to watch this video at YouTube on a full screen to see the captions clearly. I use a MacBook and that seems to be the only way I can get captions to show up. They are there…just keep trying until they show up on your screen!
I fully identify with what Don is saying here. I’ve dealt with all the same issues.
I have seen people who formerly would write and gesture with me suddenly stop doing so when they discovered that I could in fact speak and lipread. I’ve had people who just assume that “all deaf people can read lips.” I have been with Deaf friends who do not speak, and had hearing people basically ignore them and only talk to me. I have had hearing people tell me about the deaf person they know and make a comment such as
She’s a nice person, but she’s not as smart as you are…she can’t speak like you do.
Do these people not realize how offensive such a comment is to me?
By making such comments, you are showing your true colors – that you see me not for who or what I am, but for how “normal” I appear…that you judge me and fellow deaf individuals on how well we fit into your comfort zone. As long as you don’t have to make an extra effort to communicate with us, then we are perceived as being your intellectual equals. As long as you can indeed forget that we are deaf, then we’re okay. Otherwise, we have failed your test.
While I admit that I do use my voice in public, more and more I am finding myself turning it off. I am finding myself preferring to use written communication and gestures in order to assure that full communication takes place, with no struggling and guesswork on my end. I am finding myself desiring and implementing that “equal effort” in communication – that it should be a shared responsibility, and not something I should have to shoulder all on my own.
So the next time you are tempted to tell me or another Deaf individual how well we speak, or to expect us to just lipread everything you say with no problems, or get exasperated with having to write things down, or whatever…
Just remember this video and give these points some serious thought.
Special thanks to Dr. Don G for creating this video and telling it like it is. For more of his videos and views on Deaf issues, check out his blog at
http://www.deafhooddiscourses.com/
This sculpture shows the sign for "connect"...and that is what Deaf Pagan Crossroads is all about - making connections. Connections between Deafhood and Paganism, connections between the Deaf Community and the Hearing Community, connections between myself as the writer and you as the reader. I hope you will take the time to read my various posts, some of which are listed below. Welcome to the Crossroads, and I hope you make some connections here!
Don’t misunderstand me, folks…I will still use my voice with my hearing non-signing friends. I’m not totally tossing it out the window and insisting that if you can’t sign, you can’t be my friend. This is intended more for the general public.
However, at the same time I do hope my friends will take the messages of this post into consideration. Sometimes I don’t always catch everything you say…and I’m uncomfortable admitting to such. Sometimes I do wish that you could sign. It would make things easier.
But in the same way that I don’t want to be judged on my speech ability, neither do I wish to judge my friends on their signing ability. You are my friend because I see something special in you that you bring into my life.
As long as we are both willing to shoulder the communication issues, I hope we can continue such friendships.
Reblogged this on Adventures of a Deaf Adult and commented:
Isn’t this the truth. I have mostly gone voice off in public, and it makes life so much easier for me. I voice at work… because i have to, but most of the time, voice off!
Nicely done! I am sharing this on my facebook and also will especially share it with my relatives who face the same issues. Thanks, Gin!
Thank you, Robin.
Thank you for this thought provoking post – as a hearing person it was very illuminating. I also shared it on Facebook.
Thank you. Glad to know you’ve shared it with others…the more people become educated on this issue, the better!
I have never thought of communicating with a deaf person in such a way, so I feel a bit confused by the notion that anyone would use the word “normal,” or impugn someone else’s intelligence, simply because the person doesn’t lip read or use her speaking ability. The sheer rudeness of those suggestions just boggles my mind!
Rather, I am more conscious of my errors when having a conversation someone who lip reads, especially when I’ve failed to make sure the person can actually see my mouth or know that I’m talking to her. I consider my errors a breach of etiquette that I feel embarrassed about. I would rather write than speak, personally. I could avoid a whole slew of faux pas that way! Maybe. Who knows? I might find more ways of putting my foot in my mouth.
I am grateful that I read your post because I didn’t know how few deaf people are able to use the speaking ability. It’s good information to have. Thank you.
Faux pas will happen…it’s all part of being human. I don’t have an issue with such errors as long as the person recognizes them and makes a sincere effort to correct such.
One thing that might be important to clarify…most Deaf people do have speaking ability – the problem is whether or not their speech is comprehensible to the general population. In many cases it is not, and thus it is not in the Deaf person’s best interest to use their speech in public. Even those of us such as myself don’t have perfect speech, since we cannot always hear ourselves talk and thus know whether we are saying things correctly. We often have problems pronouncing certain sounds – I have a hard time “s” or “sh” or similar sounds. And even though I’ve been told I have exceptional speech skills, my voice can still take some time to get used to if you’re not familiar with “Deaf speech.” I still talk as if I have an accent, and I have had people mistakenly assume that I am from another country and English is not my first language.
Writing probably wouldn’t be a bad idea. But regardless of the method you use, being patient and maintaining a respectful, positive, nonjudgmental attitude is 90% of the whole process, and I think you’ve got that concept well. Good luck with any of your efforts, and maybe some time we will actually meet!
I’ve always thought that it’s my job as a listener to work extra hard trying to understand, just as I would with someone whose first language isn’t English. Of course, I think the whole business of telling every who immigrates that they must speak English if they’re going to live in the USA is remarkably arrogant and parochial.
I’m glad you clarified the information about speaking ability. I think it’s amazing that anyone who can’t hear themselves speak can, or will, speak at all. I’m not sure I would do it myself. I understand that when you don’t hear yourself talking, you wouldn’t have any way of modulating or forming some of the sounds, so it might not come out the way you’d intend.
I do feel my own lack that I didn’t learn ASL, actually. It wasn’t taught when I went to high school, but it would have been helpful, just as any language is.
As a person who lives in Kentucky and loves horses, I have to be extra careful when I talk about them to make sure I get the “S” in there. Otherwise it sounds like I’m talking about…well, you know.
Reblogged this on Becoming Deaf and commented:
Right after I published my last post, my friend shared this with me. Dr. Don G and Ocean did an excellent job of articulating some of the reasons why it can be problematic to compliment someone’s speaking skills, and I wanted to share their point of view with you.
I know this doesn’t ring true for everyone, but for me – complimenting my speaking skills makes me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious of my speech. It makes me feel like my articulation is being judged, and what I’m actually saying isn’t as important. And as I mentioned in my previous post, my clear speech tends to make hearing people forget that I can’t actually hear them.
Yep! I’ve been through exactly what you been through. Most of the time I signs while I speak that way, they would know that I am Deaf and that please speak directly to me. When they see that, they do speak directly to me and they do carefully to speak to make sure that I do understand. That’s one of my pet peeves when they assume that I am hearing when I can speak. Guess what? My own parents did forgot that I am Deaf so many times! Sometimes I find it annoying. I’m like how could you forget your own daughter who is Deaf even though she’s speaking well. I usually prefer voice off around public because they would make it easier by willing to meet me half way instead of putting all my energy to understand them. I hate putting all my energy when I prefer to save some of my energy for other things.
I do reminding people at work, just because I speak so well, doesn’t means that I hear it well. Few people were shock when I said that. They never seems to realize it. Oy!
Thank you for sharing. That really helps me feeling like that I am not the only one. Which I do most of the times…
This was a great, enlightening post. That said, I am just FLOORED at the behavior of some hearing people (I am one!)
Never, in all of my life, have I felt that: 1. It is OK or even appropriate to tell someone they speak well OR 2. Let the burden fall on the person with whom I am communicating.
People are nuts!
I admit I do have my own stumbling blocks, particularly with my boyfriend, who is deaf, but I work very hard to communicate with EVERYONE–deaf and not–effectively.
LOL…. Im not deaf, but I am quite the lip reader, my hearing loss is profound. People tell me aaaallllll the time you speak so well. Really??? haha, normally I pretend I didn’t hear them 🙂
Sometimes an ignorant hearing person without any prior sensitivity training meets a deaf person feel uncomfortable, and put at an disadvantage… if they say, “wow, you speak so well, I can understand everything you say, your inflection in your voice is so right on” shrug it off and take it as their heartfelt relief that they could understand you and know that they do not know any sign language. I smile and say, “it certainly will not offend me if you ask me to repeat what I say” (even hearing people say that to other hearing people) We are the bridge between deaf and hearing world. (More like fence straddler in my case) Lose the sensitive chip off your shoulder, life is too short and we could be worse off than just being deaf. I am deaf, speak orally, and when I met a deaf-blind person, I felt so inadequate in using hand sign communication, I was so in awe of them overcoming their handicap and learned their sense of deep appreciation of being recognized as human beings, let’s do the same.. appreciate all kinds of people. Even when they put their foot in their mouth at times. We do that, too! 😉
[…] Source: “But You Speak So Well…” […]
Right on! I loved reading this.
I experience a similar problem with people who don’t want to believe that I”m really blind. I call myself blind, though I have some usable vision, because when I say “blind,” people actually give me the help I need. If I say, “I have low vision,” they try to relate to me visually (because it’s easier on them). I’ve also received my share of backhanded compliments: “You walk so confidently for a blind woman; you must have some vision,” “You dress so well! I’d never have know you were blind,” “Good for you for having a job! You are so brave!”