Deaf Pagan Crossroads

Please note: This guide is intended as tongue-in-cheek humor. Take it as you will.

McWiccan

I coined the term “McWiccan” after encountering a person who asked “What is a Book of Shadows?” and, less than a month later, claimed to be an HP initiated by someone who was trained by Buckland (see “Glam Wiccan”). Unfortunately, this is the most common form of Wiccan. These are the people who want everything now and with no more effort than ordering a hamburger through a drive-up window (thus the name). In fact, this is how they approach life in general. They will not accept the idea that Wicca requires a certain amount of study but rather will show up and say things like “I want to know all there is to know about Witchcraft. E-mail me at . . .” They are noted for making long-winded railing speeches (usually their very first communication) criticizing the rest of the group for not being devoted to educating them. Although tolerated to an extent by most other varieties of Wiccan, McWiccans are the natural prey of the IRALOB’s and are almost helpless before them. Getting members of the two groups together usually results in a severe bloodletting. A subset of McWiccans, the Spell Beggars, simply demand to know how to cast spells, usually love spells. This species is noted for a very brief lifespan.

The McWiccan variant has found its perfect niche in the online environment as it is much too much effort to seek out teachers or enroll in classes. Their naming convention varies as they usually take the information on the first web site someone gives them in response to their demand to know how to come up with a magickal name.

Playgan

This species, also know as “Party Pagans” or “Drummers and Fuckers,” are into to Wicca just for the fun of it. When they looked up “Pagan” in the dictionary, they never got past “hedonist.” As their name suggests, they are into Wicca for the all night drumming circles, the freely available sex, and because they like to go naked in public. To them, Wicca is a fashion statement, the “thing to be,” and a social circle. They could not care less about religion or ceremony. Absolutely nothing is to be taken seriously. This species is the natural enemy of Christo-Wiccans, who consider them to be “toxic,” and will often boycott any Pagan event that allows Playgans to participate. Christo-Wiccans also try to force event organizers to make Playgans “behave” by having them add reams of rules for the participants. Strangely enough, this does not seem to bother Playgans (little does) which are one of the more prolific species.

Playgans can be found wherever there are two or more Wiccans and a drum, a bottle of mead, attractive members of the opposite sex, and/or a “peace pipe.” They seldom adopt magickal names but can often be recognized by their common greeting of “Hey dog! When did you get out of jail?” Look for vast areas of skin covered in tattoos and body piercings in the most painful of areas.

Wiccan Little

These “Nervous Nellies” are so scared of the Burning Times returning that they can smell the smoke. They worriedly scan the news each day and, every time they come across someone wanting to post the Ten Commandments in a public place, a kid being told they can’t wear their pentacle in school, or Jerry Falwell blaming sinners for the latest ill to befall the country, they go into a blind panic as they are sure the sky is falling. Emails fly and phones ring as they all convince each other that they are indeed the most persecuted group in the history of mankind. This is their most cherished idea and they constantly talk about the need to bravely “come out of the closet.” They may even go as far as mailing postcards or organizing rallies (which are always poorly attended) but Wiccan Littles are noted for a lack of both energy and attention span. Soon enough, whatever it was that got them squawking is forgotten as the next “outrage” comes along. The very  strange thing about Wiccan Littles is that they actually defend the one group that in reality persecuted Witches. They see the Burning Times as being caused by some nebulous entity and any direct accusations toward Christianity will result in the same “Christian bashing” accusations one gets from Christo-Wiccans.

Wiccan Littles are always found huddled together in flocks. They all talk at once and seldom hear what anyone else says once an alarm is raised. They have no standard naming convention however most of them have stopped using or have even changed their legal sobriquet in favor of their Wiccan name.