Deaf Pagan Crossroads

My good buddy Mr. Sandman over at the Sandbox posted his list of Driving Commandments about a year ago, which apparently must have gotten noticed by the Vatican, as he explains here…

Reading those commandments prompted me to recall a conversation I had many moons ago with a friend of mine. We were discussing the various characters of different mythologies, as well as deities from different pantheons, and trying to imagine what kind of “commandments” they might establish, if given the chance. This friend happens to have a thing for that trickster known as Coyote, and imagining a set of “Coyote Commandments” left us both laughing!

Now it’s important to understand that Coyote is indeed a trickster ~ and he’s known as such in many Native American tales and legends. His personality strengths are humor and cleverness, while his weaknesses tend to be greed, recklessness, and jealousy. He is also known for his… well, to put it bluntly – interest in sex (not that there’s anything wrong with sex!)

But in spite of it all, you just can’t help liking Coyote…he can be a rather amusing character, after all. There is a certain wisdom to his ways, and at times he can even be helpful and genuinely heroic.

But anyway, this friend of mine – perhaps after having a little conversation with Coyote – emailed me with this list of commandments. Whether he had to climb a mountain somewhere to get them, I dunno (more likely he just surfed the internet and came across them that way)… but in any case, they certainly are interesting.

Why Coyote Doesn’t Give

Commandments.

A friend of mine was talking the other day about God talking to Moses on the mountain, and handing down the commandments, and everything. Which led to the point that my patron deity doesn’t really do commandments.

“Well, why not?” was asked.

“Um. Can you see Coyote giving commandments?” I replied.

…but of course, the damage was done, and I had to think about this now. Because that would be the way that my brain works, whether I want it to or not. Stupid brain. And now, after several days of thinking about it, I give you…

The Commandments of Coyote:

I. Thou Shalt Have As Many Gods and Spirits and Personal Trainers and Gurus As You Like Before Me, But You Shalt Not Let Them Block the Exits, and More, You Shall Not Permit Them To Take the Last Beer, For That Beer Is Mine. Seriously. Don’t.

II. Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife, But Thou Art Totally Welcome To Admire Her Ass When She Walks By, and If It Happens To Come Out That They Are In An Open Relationship, Dude, Tap That Ass As Much As They Are Willing To Allow. Same Goes For the Ladies. Coveting Is Sort Of Stupid, But Sex Is Just Plain Fun, Unless Thou Art Doing It Entirely Wrong.

III. If Thy Neighbor Says ‘Hands Off My Wife, Dude’, Thou Shalt Listen and Back Off, Because Otherwise, Thy Neighbor Will Be Totally Justified In Hitting You About the Head and Shoulders With Gardening Tools, and Don’t Think That I’m Going To Step In There and Stop Him.

IV. Adultery Is Actually Pretty Fun. Commit It All You Like. Just Make Sure Everyone Is Cool With It, Or I Will Not Help You Out Once the Hitting Gets Started.

V. Thou Shalt Not Eat Poisoned Bait. If You Do, Don’t Come Whining To Me About It, Because I Am Very Unlikely To Care. Once It Is In Your Mouth, It Is Your Problem, Not Mine.

VI. Of Course Thou Shalt Kill. Carnivores Do That. Also, Swatting Mosquitoes, Sort Of Instinctive. But All Creatures Are Alive Before You Kill Them, and So Thou Shalt Respect Them In Their Lives and In Their Deaths. Thou Shalt Not Kill Without Reason. Thy Neighbor Tapping Thy Wife’s Ass? Is Not A Reason. Don’t Make Me Set A Plague Upon Thy Ass. Thou Wouldst Not Enjoy It, I Promise.

VII. Thou Shalt Not Hoard. Seriously, Here. If You Have Enough, Share. Only Assholes Would Be Selfish.

VIII. Thou Shalt Not Be A Martyr. If You Have One Beer, Drink It. Do Not Give It To Me and Then Expect Adoration. Dude, That Was Your Beer, I Did Not Break Your Arm To Get It. Give What You Can Give, and Expect Neither Praise Nor Worship. You Are Not Being Morally Superior, You Are Being A Decent Human Being. There Is A Difference.

IX. Assume This Is It. Maybe There Is Reincarnation; Maybe Not. Not Only Am I Not Saying, Please Consider the Fact That I Probably Get A Say In Whether You Come Back, and If You Are the Sort Of Person Who Doesn’t Do Anything With One Life, Why Should I Waste My Time Giving You Another One? Live Like You Get No Second Chances. You Will Have More Fun.

X. Are You Going To Eat That?



Note: I have had this in my files for a couple of years now, and it has circulated around on the internet for some time, and made its way onto a number of websites, message boards, listserves, and the like. I have no idea who originally wrote it, but I figured it would be good for a laugh or two!