In response to some of the blogs and vlogs posted on DeafRead and elsewhere lately that have focused on the topic of helping others, Ocean shares a bit from some of the lessons on ethics which she has studied and teaches to others. Perhaps this will give you some food for thought on what “help” actually means, and how we can go about helping others in the proper way…
photo by night nurse
Everyone wants to help others… that’s natural. You see someone struggling with something you know you could easily do, and your first reaction is probably the desire to go over and offer to give them a hand.
But the important thing to remember is this – offer first. And if your offer is refused, then stand aside and let the person do it himself.
This doesn’t mean that you have to walk out of the room. It’s perfectly OK to say “that’s fine…if you change your mind and do want my help, just give me a holler.”
It’s not perfectly OK to breath down their necks, or point things out over their shoulders, or keep nagging them to accept your help.
It’s flat wrong to take it from them and do it for them.
It’s just plain stupid to take it from them, do it for them, and then expect them to be grateful to you!
You see, my friend…people like to do things themselves.
At a very deep level, everyone realizes that doing stuff for themselves is part of the growing process. That without that sort of hands on manipulation, they will not learn the lesson they need to learn. There is also a great drive to be independent; to be able to take care of themselves. Not to mention that doing something yourself is the only way to be sure it will be done the way you want it done.
Some of us are taught to wait patiently and let our parents show us many times, so they are sure that we will never make a mistake. We become afraid of trying until we are sure that we can succeed.
Some of us are basically ignored, and learn that we are completely on our own. We are shocked if someone offers to help, and don’t have the slightest idea what to do with the offer. Asking for either permission or guidance is totally foreign to us.
Some of us are never allowed to try our own hands at all. We become used to having things done for us, and tend to just stand there looking blankly at the tools if we are expected to do something ourselves.
Some of us are given the chance to try as soon as we want it, and encouraged whether we succeed or fail. We tend to look at life as a series of challenges, and we enjoy challenges.
These are just a few of the ways that we have been taught to react to help, and don’t take into account the differences in personalities that we were born with.
The point is, people have different reactions to offers of help, and want different amounts of it.
Here, as in everything else, you must let the other person tell you what they want and need. Look at it from their point of view. Allow them to grow at their own pace.
The most important thing is not to take over for them, not to do anything for them unless they ask you to.
If you do, you aren’t helping at all. You are butting in.
It’s not polite.
It’s not responsible.
And it’s not your job.
Special thanks to Robin Wood – Pagan leader, author, artist, and teacher extraordinaire – whose writings on ethics (including her excellent book on the subject – “When, Why…If”) have played a key role in helping me to develop my own understanding of living an ethical life.
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I saw myself and a lot of the people I deal with everyday in your article. I am a take over perfectionest. I live in public houseing in a building that was built for disabled. And I have found a lot of people here have been taught that someone else will do it for them if they are manipulate and whine enough. So it is very fustrating to me. I have been President of the Resident Association (as well as VP) and got fed up. I was doing everything from filing to taking minutes .. It is hard for me to stand by and let others do stuff. Then I get mad when they don’t.
I see me in there.. It is just so hard to stand back and let others do for themselves. I will try to offer and stand back though. However, it is butting in when I jump in without an invitation. Thanks for pointing this out.
That is great parenting advice too. I wrote many papers in high school that would get re-written as my mother typed out the report for me. By then end of the report, it no longer sounded like me.
I try to keep that in mind, when my first instinct is to help someone in a wheelchair by giving them a push, or some computer user learning to use software on their own (a much more useful skill than learning the software itself).
And I myself, probably due to pride, am resistant to asking or receiving help.
I used to find it hard to stand back, but age seems to be curing me of that to some degree. Still, there are times…
Well, that’s just the perfectionist part of me wanting to jump in and help.
Great book! I used it, too, when I was teaching about Wicca and ethics and all that. Seems like eons ago. I also gave the book to my sons to read. Something must have helped because they both turned out to be good men. 🙂
I agree, it’s an excellent book.
One of the things that I noticed when I was both studying and teaching these ethics lessons, and which has been kinda pointed out here by Bill is this fact…
Although the lessons are taught from a Pagan perspective, in reality they really aren’t that spiritually based – a lot of what is taught is basic good common sense and moral behavior that can easily apply to all of us, regardless of our own personal spiritual beliefs (or lack of them, for that matter). They can also apply to a wide variety of situations – such as parenting, the workplace, relationships, or just plain personal growth and development.
I’ve had people from all walks of life, all different types of backgrounds and all different religions take up my ethics lessons, and they all came back and told me how much they learned and benefited from them.
I think such lessons have something to teach all of us.
Ocean,
Re: your last comment: exactly! This is one of the most informative and helpful (weak laugh) posts I have read in a while – and I am not a pagan. May I copy it if I credit you and Robin Wood? I just might buy her book for the thoughts on ethics. I have found myself mulling ethical issues more than usual while I was student teaching this spring.
yeah been there done that, helping is helping but not when ya try to shove it down some ones throat when they dont want it, whats that old saying bout leading the horse
I love it when people don’t ask for help, yet expect it, then whine when they don’t get it. ARGH!
That’s their issue to deal with, not yours. It’s their choice to ask, or not ask. Certainly you can step up and ask if they’d like some help… there’s nothing wrong with asking.
But if you don’t know, and they don’t tell ya… well, they have to deal with the consequences.
That’s what ethics is all about – it’s not merely about what we do for others, but what we do for ourselves as well.
Excellent post, agree strongly.
The same goes for healing spells and praying for people, I think.
I’d like to put this article on the Pagan Theologies wiki, if I may.
I’ve also posted it on MetaPagan in the ethics category – http://metapagan.blogspot.com
yes i agree i prefer that some one ask if i need help rather than take it away and do it for me