I have to be honest, folks – when Wolf Wind first came to me with this article and asked if it could be posted at Deaf Pagan Crossroads, I was a bit hesitant. An article about Domestic Violence on a blog site that focuses on the merger of Deafness and Paganism? Well, I don’t know…
But as I read it, it was clear that Wolf had put a lot of thought into this article, and it was well-written. Besides that, there is no doubt that Domestic Violence is a subject that we need to address, and not avoid. I’ve known individuals – both male and female, deaf and hearing, black and white, Pagan and Christian who have been victims of this tragedy. It must be stopped, and it can only be stopped if we acknowledge it, discuss it, and do something about it.
I was also worried because I didn’t want people to get the wrong idea – to read this article and then go away thinking “Holy shit! So that’s what you heathens do…gather together in the forest and start beating the crap out of each other!”
Whoa! Time Out! NO WAY! We as Pagans are expected to live by our Code of Ethics, and to abide by the Wiccan Law that says “Harm None.” Most Pagans I know abhor violence, and would never accept such behavior committed on anyone or anything…be it animals, children, women, Mother Nature, etc.
What Wolf Wind is trying to do here is to take a subject of importance (in this case, Domestic Violence) and look at it from a Pagan perspective, using the analogy of ritual to help gain an understanding of how such violence develops and occurs. By doing so and then writing about such perspectives and sharing them with the rest of us, perhaps we also can gain a better perspective.
It’s not uncommon for us as Pagans to do so…in much the same way that a person who is Deaf might look at something through a Deaf perspective. We tend to see things in ways that reflect our beliefs, our backgrounds, our cultures and our identities. You will find examples of this Pagan perspective in a number of posts on this site – my blogs about Gallaudet, for example, discuss my thoughts on last year’s Gallaudet Protest from a Pagan perspective. “To Capitalize…or not to capitalize” uses this same approach to discuss the “Big D/little d” issue. Several of the blogs here utilize this approach, and I expect more of them to do so in the future.
I found this article to be quite thought-provoking, and I thank Wolf for sending it my way and addressing this important national issue. I hope that you will take the time to read it, and forward it to others who need to read it as well. Let us all do our part to stamp out Domestic Violence in our society.
Blessings,
~ Ocean
The Ritual of Battering
As our society advances and becomes more “enlightened”, we are finding more and more just how little we really know. Joseph Campbell’s works on mythology are a good example, how despite our advancement we are losing, or unaware of just how deeply the threads of our ancestors tie us together. The loss of myth and ritual, simply put, leads to chaos.
As Pagans, we place an important focus on ritual. One of the things we teach by this emphasis is that the mundane and the sacred worlds are not necessarily as clear cut as many would like to believe. Ritual – if we believe that it speaks to us on all levels – has much to bring the world of sociology and psychology in moving it to acknowledge just how important the spiritual realm plays in our lives. As such, ritual draws some parallels to one of the more destructive social ills we face today and that is intimate violence. Just as ritual is something taught, violence adheres to the same ritual components with just as much power as a healing/positive ritual. One of the keys to understanding intimate violence is to recognize it as a cycle, with identifiable stages. Just as our rituals are attuned to the cycles of life, battering has possessed its own cyclical stages. Below is a breakdown (general) of the battering cycle and the ritual aspects it has. I will start with the positive ritual component and then the violent cycle counter part.
Building power: This is the part of the ritual where the circle becomes drawn, members meditate, participate etc. in making the gathering sacred space, opening channels for communication etc. The domestic violence portion follows a similar pattern, in that battering is not a spontaneous event, but is worked up to. This is called the stage of tension/stress building.
Height of power/energy reached: This event in circle can be different in form, but the purpose is the same in that this is the high point of the ritual, when energy is at its highest – the climax of energy if you will, and when all the major workings are accomplished in the ritual. In domestic violence, this is the point of no return. The energy has built to its highest and in that moment the energy is released and actual violence occurs. This is the result of the energy being reached at it maximum, and unlike circle the energy released is very destructive.
The return: For ritual, this is the conclusion of ritual, when the quarters are dismissed and the circle opened, and the experience of the working is continued and brought to the outside. It is often a “calm” in that the released energy has been “spent” and sent out to work etc. In intimate violence, this becomes “The Honeymoon” stage where the violence has ceased and all is well, seemingly the balance is restored, etc. But like in the circle, the energy gathered and released does not stop but goes forth, the energy has to go somewhere and often it will go to maintaining the status quo in battering. It is not uncommon for one to stay in a battering relationship because they truly love the person and feel if they work hard enough, can change the pattern.
Just as in our celebrations, the Priest and Priestess in a large part determine the pace etc. of the ritual, so in battering the participants direct the cycle itself, sometimes speeding up the cycle to the point of no return with the intent to “get it over with” and reach the honeymoon stage again. The misunderstanding here is that this cycle is truly a destructive ritual – that the power released has Karmic effects in that the honeymoon stage becomes shorter and shorter and ultimately results in the death of at least one participant. This I think underscores just how powerful ritual can be, and the awesome responsibility which comes in putting it together and thus working ritual.
At this point I will say this tends to be over simplified due to space etc. yet can be observed in other settings other than domestic violence, just as all ritual doesn’t apply to just one aspect of our lives. One of the important points to remember is just like our own rituals, the ritual of battering is taught and will follow the cycle it sets unless interrupted (i.e. restructuring the tools of ritual to prevent it from getting to the point of no return).
If nothing else, this brings an appreciation of the complexity and ritual nature of our relationships (in any sense) with each other. At this time in our political concerns, it also has implications as to the bearing of certain policy, etc. And thus, points out another important aspect of ritual – that it operates at many different levels and can have impacts we are unaware of.
Wolf Wind is a Mental Health Professional and practicing Pagan who resides in Northern California. Hard of Hearing himself, he has consulted with Ocean on a number of issues related to deafness, and participated in various Deaf Pagan activities. He is also a loving husband and father, and freely admits that his favorite animal (as well as being his totem) is…the wolf.
Very well thought out. Battering, is in itself, a ritual, with each person playing a part. Well put.
I first saw this posted in the alt.callahans newsgroup during domestic violence month back around ’97 or ’98
I received flowers today………
I received flowers today.
It wasn’t my birthday or a special occasion.
We had our first argument last night.
During the night he said a lot of cruel things to me that really hurt.
I know that he is sorry, because he sent me flowers today.
I received flowers today.
It wasn’t my birthday or a special occasion.
Last night he pushed me into the wall and started pounding me with his fists.
It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. I
woke up very sore and bruised this morning.
I know that he must be sorry
Because he sent me flowers today.
I received flowers today.
It wasn’t mother’s day or a special occasion.
Last night I was beaten violently.
Even more brutally than before.
If I leave him, what would happen to me? And the kids?
Financially I couldn’t make it and I don’t even know how to budget!
I am afraid of him, but I’m even more afraid to leave.
But I know that he regrets it,
because he sent me flowers today.
I received flowers today.
TODAY WAS A SPECIAL OCCASION.
It was my funeral.
Yesterday during the night he finally managed to kill me.
If only I found the courage to leave,
I wouldn’t have gotten flowers today.
Now I am sitting on my cloud and it finally dawned on me,
as I was watching my earthly family.
I should have been more courageous and broken the chain of violence,
because my son just hit his wife
and sent HER flowers today.
If you are against violence of any kind, please pass this message on.
Beautifully said, MoonStorm. Thank you for sharing.
Hard to read; the article is well written, read through most without skimming, the poem really ‘ouch’. Having experienced domestic violence, the tension of being introduced to the mind-set of someone being abused is somehow much more fearful and troubling than reading about the cycle.
If you know someone who’s going through it, be their stubborn, present friend. Abusers alienate their victims, and it is often through the support of caring friends and family that a victim is able get out of the relationship and make it through.
I agree…the poem is quite sobering, but I also think it expresses the message very well.
It’s a painful subject, no doubt about that. I’ve experienced my share of abuse as well, although in my case it was more emotional than physical – but nevertheless, it hurts no less.
I applaud you for being brave enough to stand up and say “I have experienced domestic violence.” The more we are willing to come forward and say so, the sooner that chain can be broken.
And as you say…BE THERE.
Know that you have a caring friend here at the Crossroads.
I read this article the day it was posted, and have been sort of stewing on it since. It’s a sore subject for me, you see. I agree that it was very well written, and I like how you used the analogy of Pagan rituals to describe the cycle of domestic violence, Wolf. And the poem that MoonStorm added here – as Rabbit said, “Ouch”.
Back in 2000-2001, I was in a relationship that started out wonderfully, as most do, but once we were living together for, I don’t know, a few months – things started to change. He was very controlling and manipulative – before I even realized what was happening to me, he had manipulated me into alienating most of my friends and family, and straying off my spiritual path and away from the Pagan community. Once I “woke up” and realized this, I was no longer happy with myself and my life, and I tried to talk to him about this – because I needed to once again find my balance to be happy. To make a long story short, he was unwilling to share me with any other aspect of my life – and verbal abuse turned into physical and sexual abuse. I knew I had to get out – before I was reciting the last verse of the poem MoonStorm posted above – and there were a couple of very frightening times when I stood up for myself that I wasn’t so sure I was going to get out alive. It took months to get away from him, and to get him out of my life completely (thank the Goddess we hadn’t gotten married as planned and did not have any children together), and it took even longer for me to find my footing in life again. (I also thank the Goddess for my friends and family for helping me through that difficult time, and most especially the Pagan community for helping me to recover from that horrible almost two year long nightmare, and to find my balance again.)
I had found out toward the tail end of this “relationship” I was trying so desparately to break free from, that he himself had been abused by his biological father as a very young child. His mother had divorced and later remarried to a very good man who adopted her children, raised them as his own and provided well for them – but it was too late for this young boy then. I found out that he had refused all counseling throughout his life, and often ended up in trouble with the law. In this case, as in so many others, the abused child became the adult abuser. Just how DO we break that chain?
Very well written! I too have experienced domestic violence but from the different angle of a child whose mother and siblings and self were abused. Thank the Goddess we escaped from this situation but over 10 years on the memory and the scars still remain. We need to get the message out there that ANY kind of abuse should not be tolerated whether it is male on female, female on male (believe me it happens!) or in a same sex couple. Thanks so much for your wonderful words, i have printed out the poem written to always remind me of the blessings in my life!
blessed be,
Emma.
Good Day from Texas!
We have so much Chrisitian ministries here in Texas that some friends of mine began talking about putting together definitions and concepts for non christian religions.
of course that means even basic ideas are not shared with deaf or other ASL users.
I am trying to pull together some research on deaf and what signs they use for those concepts. Do you think you could contact me?