This is part of a Three-Part story I have written about my experiences as a Deaf child growing up in an all-hearing family, and what it was like during family holiday get-togethers.
I encourage you to read ALL THREE PARTS in order to get the full story – you will find parts One and Two in Archives #3 A Deaf Pagan Shares under the “Categories” section in the sidebar menu at the left…simply click on Home for the Holidays (Part One) and Home for the Holidays (Part Two) to read the other “chapters” of this story. Or you can simply click the thumbnail graphics at the end of this post.
This was my childhood. I grew up this way. I grew up practically dreading those three words – “Time for dinner!” While it may have meant being able to chow down on my mother’s good cooking, it also meant having to spend that dreaded time at the table eating in silence while my parents and my brother engaged in their usual chit-chat about who-knows-what. I found myself hating those dinnertime conversations, and resenting my brother for the fact that he was able engage in them, while I was expected to just sit there quietly, keep my elbows off the table, and chew my food with my mouth closed. I was “Little Ginny”….I had no voice, and thus no opinions to offer. Sometimes I wonder if my family even thought I possessed a brain.
Well….I got news for ya now. Little Ginny ain’t so little any more. She’s grown up, and she’s found her voice. She has a brain, and she isn’t afraid to use it. She has thoughts and opinions and ideas of her own, and she isn’t afraid to express them.
Unfortunately, my family doesn’t seem to have figured that out. Even today, my mother tends to act rather shocked whenever she hears anything coming out of me that remotely rings of original thought or high intelligence.
Small wonder I haven’t been home for the holidays in years. Heck, I can’t even remember the last time I spent Christmas with my family. I know it’s been over ten years…closer to twenty. It’s been even longer since I had Thanksgiving with anyone I could call flesh and blood.
The sad thing is…this doesn’t seem to be such a unique feeling amongst the Deaf Community. Conversations with other Deaf individuals have brought up similar views and experiences. One of my best friends, who is also Deaf but doesn’t possess my “crackshot” lipreading skills, feels much the same way about having to go home for the holidays. So does my other Deaf friend, who groans at the thought of making that dreaded sojourn home to dine with the folks – and she happens to have those same speech and lipreading skills that I do.
That’s the harsh reality of the holidays for us Deafies, folks. It’s that time of the year when we are stuck between needing to meet our family obligations, and wanting to run screaming in the opposite direction. It’s not that we don’t love our family members…we do. We just don’t want to be trapped in the same room with them.
Granted, not every Deaf person I know deals with this. There are some who are fortunate enough to be born into Deaf families, and thus the communication issues don’t exist…at least not from a methodology standpoint, anyway. True…knowledge of sign language isn’t an instant guarantee that you will have anything worth saying to each other. But in most cases that I have seen, there seems to be a closeness in Deaf families that doesn’t exist otherwise…a sense of love and acceptance and understanding that is often missing for Deaf children of Hearing families – especially if those family members don’t sign themselves. Sure…Aunt Hilda might still drive you up the wall…but at least it won’t be because she forgot her dentures again.
Geez, I envy those Deaf Families! Certainly, I am sure if you were to talk to them, these folks would argue that it isn’t always wine and roses…that “grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” sort of thing. I do recall a friend at Gallaudet complaining that even though he traveled clear across the country from California to Washington DC to attend college at the world’s only liberal arts campus exclusively for Deaf students, his Deaf parents always seemed to know exactly what he was up to. That “Deaf Grapevine” can be mighty lethal when you’re a college student more intent on studying beer than biology.
But when the holidays roll around, I can’t help wondering if they realize how lucky they are. Going home for the holidays is something they can look forward to.
As for me, I’ll just stick around my own kitchen, thanks.
At least I make a really great stuffing.
Click on Thumbnail for Home for the Holidays (Part One) 
Click on Thumbnail for Home for the Holidays (Part Two) 
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Hello
Ocean,
I’m only deaf in my hearing family myself too. That is the reason why I never go gather my family gathering since it has been long ago too.
I am living so far from my family and I have no planning to visit them during holidays. So I end up planning to spend my deaf childhood friend in North Carolina for xmas vacation instead.
Yes I do love my family it just that I just cannot keep up with them all chatting up without not understand them well or doesnt make a time to explain to me whats its all about.
Well wish you all have a safe holidays!..
Hi Anastacia ~
Thank you for sharing. I can understand how you feel. I’m glad that you have plans to share the holidays with your deaf friend. I shared Thanksgiving with my deaf friend also, but I have not yet made plans for the Solstice holiday.
I feel the same way you do – the family starts chatting away and it is so hard to keep up with them and understand what they are talking about. So it becomes easier to just stop going home. I know that seems harsh, but it’s the truth.
I wish you a happy and safe holiday also!
Osh,
I never have thought about it, until now. I guess it would be hard. But, I just can’t imagine that your family didn’t have the want to to learn sign language. You are part of the family, too, and much the same way my family allows for my diabetes, your family should have cared enough to learn sign language. It just sucks.
I won’t lie…yes, it just sucks.
But I don’t necessarily hate my family over it. I’m not hurt and angry and bitter about it – at least not as much as I used to be. I guess more than anything I’m just a little sad and disappointed.
Mom has said that if she had to do it all over again, she would have learned to sign…and she does encourage parents today to do so. It’s not totally her fault – we have to remember that I grew up back in the 60’s and this was the prevailing attitude of the day. Either you kept your child at home and tried to teach them to be “as hearing as possible” or you shipped them off to the residential schools for the deaf, which became the “surrogate parents.”
Have things improved since then? In some ways, yes…In other ways, maybe not. Today we do see a big trend towards trying to “cure” deafness through the use of cochlear implants, and resolving the communication issues through the use of technology that might reduce the need to learn sign language. So the issues still remain.
But I do think more and more parents are recognizing that there are more and more options available, and are taking advantage of all of them, for the benefit of their deaf child.
Oh, I completely understand! I am the only Deaf in the hearing families as well! I always dread the holidays as long as I could remember. I detest being the wallflower. I often feel like the family was practicing “children should be seen, not heard” belief with me, thro not with my hearing cousins. You get the idea.. It was only recent when I spoke up and said “I don’t know about you, but that’s NOT who I am. I am very outspoken. I like to go out and do things. You think I watch television all the time when I visit you all. Know why? No ONE wants to talk with me. So what else is there to do here in Kansas??!” That caused many relatives to fall awkwardly silent. Ironic enough, it’s the mother’s side of family who seem not to know what to do with me, while dad’s family- they try to include me much as they can. Even during dinner, there’d be this notebook passed around for communication, even with fingerprints of cranberry sauce on the current paper! Younger relatives have learned sign language to communicate with me. Some even went into special education to become teachers for deaf.
In all, I think it is easier for the family to modify to changes if there have been disabilities already in the family (like in my dad’s family, an uncle with a shortened leg, an aunt with blindness, a cousin with cancer in which she lost her legs, etc.) Just my theory. 🙂
Gin – I’m very sorry that your parents never learned sign language and that has always baffled me. We have very different mothers. Just know that as a child I always idolized you and am very sorry that you stayed so far away. I did learn quite a bit of sign language hoping you would come back. I’ve lost most of my skills over the years with no one to talk to. I don’t think your mom has long and hope you make it down again before she loses her battle. Lizz