Deaf Pagan Crossroads

Please note: This guide is intended as tongue-in-cheek humor. Take it as you will.

Christo-Wiccan

The Christo Wiccan is merely a sheep in Wiccan clothing. This person has not shaken the fetters of Christianity and does not want to. In fact, they basically have taken Christianity, changed a few nouns (e.g. “jesus” is now “Goddess,” “hell” has morphed into “karma,” and “sin” has become “negativity”) and reduced the commandments from 10 to 1. They practice what is called “Christianity with Tits.” It is easy to spot this type. Christo-Wiccans love to set standards of behavior for others. They love endless lists of rules, standards, and requirements. They don’t like rudeness, harsh language, or discussions of bodily functions outside of those related to having babies. They always sit in judgment of others. The first thing they tell people who ask about Wicca is “We don’t worship Satan!” Any remarks about past Christian atrocities against Witches will result in them spouting fire and brimstone against the speaker for “intolerance” and “bashing Christianity.”

These Wiccans are universal, you will have no problem finding one. Just walk into a Pagan group and say “fuck.” The ones that scowl are FB’s (see below), the one’s that tell you that “your negativity is not appreciated” are Christo-Wiccans. They favor being called “reverend” and like to hang with FB Wiccans.  Both groups are likely to be the next Witch burners.

Crone-ometer

This is a person who thinks that, just because they have managed to get through  several decades without dying, they are somehow imbued with wisdom and authority. They are almost all DIEanic (see below) and can cite a different, painful, childhood experience to excuse each shortcoming they may have. They expect everyone to treat them with the highest honor and respect because they have “earned it.” These Wiccans can be identified by their imperial airs. They have everything they need yet never do anything for themselves. They do not even have to ask for things. They usually have a court surrounding them that is trained perfectly to make the proper response to each groan, sigh, and whimper. They will not tolerate disobedience and expect their followers to drop any and everything at a moment’s notice least they face the constant threat of being “kicked out of the group.”

Crone-ometers can be found in the center of a group of adoring younger people and they like to lead large, public rituals. In their favor, these are the folks most likely to conduct public classes. They prefer to be called “Mother <SOMETHING>” and they often take the name of queens or motherly Goddesses.

Crafty

Named after the movie, these are the people (usually teenagers) who are attracted to Wicca by the movie “The Craft.” Their first question is usually “How can I change my hair color?” These wide-eyed, inquisitive newcomers have been treated horribly by mainstream Wiccans. Often denigrated for their “simplistic” mindset and never appreciated for their wide open attitude (they do, after all, believe that magick works) and great enthusiasm. This is an endangered species. As the movie gets older, we see less and less of them, although a few will pop up whenever it is rerun on late night cable. Most Crafties become Mall Rats while the rest simply drift away. Wiccans did themselves a great disservice by shoving this source of vital energy to one side.There was a small ripple after the movie “Practical Magic” but this film was not very popular and those attracted by it are lumped in with Crafties as are “Charmers” (inspired by the TV show charmed) and anyone else who is drawn to Witchcraft by works of fiction.

Shunned by the self-righteous Wiccan community, these folks are usually found around other Pagans only when they make their initial foree. They are very difficult to locate subsequent to that. They look like the kids on the front of “Teen Witch” (which was designed to appeal to them) and are often confused with Goths. They like to be called vampire names and males will often take the title “Lord” usually followed by something of an evil nature.

Note: In the years since this guide was first published, it has been noticed that Crafties have been replaced by a new group known as the “Potters” – kids who are attracted to witchcraft after having seen a Harry Potter movie, and whose first question generally is why they can’t get the Expecto Patronum spell to work.

DIEanic

These are the extremely militant followers of Marxist feminism disguised as Wicca. Every problem, every hurt, every disappointment in their lives has come at the hands of a man. If it has a penis, they hate it but justify this hate by claiming they have been “deeply hurt” by men. They usually belong to “Women’s Spirituality” (i.e. let’s sit around and bitch about men) groups; are lesbian, bi, or, at least bi curious; NEVER mention the God or do even the simulated Great Rite, and think men’s role in religion is moving heavy things and tidying up. The penis is their enemy.

These ladies occasionally visit gay bars but can usually be found wherever there are no men. They like to be called “Lady,” “Queen,” “Mother,” or the name of a death Goddess.

NOTE: It is extremely dangerous to approach these Wiccans if you are male.

Fluffy Bunny Wiccan

Fluffy Bunny Wiccans are universally known. These people live in NeverNever Land and hang with Faeries. They think the world is a wonderful place of goodness and light and will not tolerate any disagreement (also called “negativity). They have had several past lives and were always the Queen, the Royal Stud, or some other person of note. They think magic is in the heart and that Marion Zimmer Bradley was “the best Pagan author ever.” These Wiccans are very militant and favor doing battle with those of the Asatru faith, even thought the result is always the slaughter of the FBs. They are great fans of passive aggressive attacks and think that, as long as you don’t use bad words or say mean things, you are “harming none.” Lies and gossip are two more of their favorite weapons.

Our furry friends love the Internet. They (usually allied with Christo-Wiccans) infest mail lists, news groups, and chat rooms demanding that everyone heed their message of peace and love. If they don’t, these champions of censorship harass them until they leave or get into lockstep. Should they still persist, FBs will have you banned, warlocked, shunned, “Sent to Coventry,” or otherwise eliminated.

FB’s love moderated mailing lists and newsgroups (and of course, in recent years since the first publication of this guide, they have become big users of Facebook, where they join every Wiccan group they can find, and also hunt out the anti-witch groups, where they waste time and energy trying to educate people who really don’t know any better and don’t care to learn.) They often associate with Christo-Wiccans. Their screen names and their magickal names are usually the same. They also heavily favor “Lord,” “Lady,” and names with the word “faerie” in them.

Glam Wiccan

These are the high profile Wiccans, who often see themselves as being leaders. They have the names we all know. They are always with the right people, belong to the right group, and are in the right place. They drop the name of a famous Pagan author they know at least once every hour. They are never more than one person away from someone who was “initiated by Ray Buckland.” Fingers in the wind, they manage to flow with every change in social structure. Always smiling, always your buddy, they will not hesitate to stab you in the back if it benefits them. When a Witch War starts (often by a Glam Wiccan seeking favor), they are quick to choose which side the think will win and doggedly fight for it. If a Wiccan ever wins a political election, it will be one of these people.

You find Glams anywhere there are Pagans of consequence, especially at fests. They favor “Lord,”, “Lady,”   or an Native American sounding, Witchlike name that includes a reference to ravens.